Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At Walmart, searching for my intellectual soul mate.

   That f*ckin moment you spent all game getting drunk and rooting your team on for the win and they lose and now you just look like a drunk assh0l3!

   Sarcasm is just one of the many free services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   I can be doing all the right things and life still has a way of slapping me in the face..

   Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

   I'm going to spend this Valentine's Day with the one I love......I just hope she's working her corner.

   Most people hide their sexual demons; I harness mine and take them out for a ride.

   its friday I smell vodka

   the ring of a home phone is becoming the whistle of a steam train+

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   I can only assume that naming your daughter Destiny is your way of sentencing her to a life of internet web cam modelling.

   You're cute…That's until your 30-day photoshop trial expires.

   It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.

   you know your day is bad when your coffee makes you tired

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   If I get a tattoo of a grape, in time when I age, will it gradually transform itself into a raisin?

   Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

   If men are stronger than women, why do men in Video Games need full plate armor and a woman only needs a chainmail bikini?