Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   Don't call each other BAE and act all surprised when that relationship doesn't go anywhere.

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

   I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

   Strangers can become best friends just as easy as best friends can become strangers.....

   *interrupts doctor* so, let's say I do wash these pills down with 8 beers.

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   It's okay I'll text myself back.

   Who do you think uses more pig skin, the NFL to make their footballs or Bravo to make their Real Housewives?

   Happy Mother's Day! Mom's are the REAL MVP.

   I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   I tried to guilt my wife into a BJ by reminding her "Tis the season of giving". I hope she was joking when she said "I gave at the office".

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   I don't understand why people pay big money for a colon cleaning when they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck!

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.