Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs

   Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?

   Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   You can't control random.

   according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

   Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!

   Nympho support group meeting, my place, 9pm.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.