Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   time is precious...waste it wisely!!

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.

   I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them.

   I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

   .... After eight years ... At least with a new President Comedians will finally be allowed to joke about the president once again.

   T Js is garbage. None of these are funny and most are reused from years ago. The prime time on T Js was from 2012-2013 now it’s just pathetic. And I’m sure the mod will delete this. But truth hurts.

   You know what goes great with the Corona Virus? Lyme Disease.

   Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:)

   I thought my date had big man hands... until I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat in the theater after coming back from the restroom

   NEVER challenge a frog in a top hat to a dance off. Seriously.

   To girls suffering from a case of too many friend requests: Here is a free tip - Put some clothes on and post your real pictures without photoshop or makeup. Problem solved!

   My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.

   It's very hard to read someone's body language when they are running away from you.

   Whenever I read the karma sutra, it puts me in an awkward position.

   There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard

   Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   Nobody's life is perfect, but life itself does have perfect moments….