Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It'd be interesting to see statistics of your life after you die. Like, what joke you found the funniest, how many times you smiled, how many times you laughed, how many times you lied, or how many people you loved.

   Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire.

   It is time Taylor Swift Exes formed a band & sang replies to her songs.

   it considered child labor if they think they are playing a game?

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores are now accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?

   Biggest disappointment ever: Seeing on the cable guide that The Karate Kid is on, only to scroll over it and find out it's the 2010 version.

   In 1969, nearly 600 million people tuned in to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. Now we have 'The Bachelorette'.

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.

   We will probably never understand why girls fall madly in love with douchebags.

   The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.

   3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.

   Men, if you're looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there's WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

   I liked Red Dawn the first time I saw it 28 years ago when it was called "Red Dawn".

   I drove so bad today that the voice from sat-nav said " pull over I want to get off"

   after a facebook arguement with you, I delete everything I wrote so as to make you look like a crazy stalker

   A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together.