Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   Don't you hate it when people start a whole conversation off you're status? C'mon guys, get a WALL!"

   ‎I don't remember anything from last night. Somebody must've put something in my drink". Yeah. If this was a game of Clue I'd have to go with "the bartender, In the club, with the vodka."

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   Remember a diamond was merely a lump a coal that did well under pressure..

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   Just once I would like to begin my Christmas shopping before December 24th

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

   It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. #GeorgeCarlin

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Why is the Queen dressed like the guy who owned Curious George?

   Apocalypse Tip: When you become a Zombie, stay clear of Washington D.C, no brains will be found there.

   So me && grandma go for a joy ride and I turn on the radio, she says" who in the devil is this?" I replyed Grandma, his name is 50 cent, she then said " well I'll give him a dollar to shut up!"

   I'm opening a shelter for battered onion rings.

   It's not considered a "mood" if you're always in it. At that point, it's just YOU being a D-BAG!

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old

   “She ain't you" is by far Chris Brown's best hit since Rihanna.

   What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?