Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you need a sports bra on to brush your teeth.

   sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...

   thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

   Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.

   Breaking news: Lebron James is taking his talents to Vancouver. Found out they only have to play 3 periods in the NHL, not 4.

   That unnecessary music they play in scary movies that is scarier than the actual movie

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   Recently engaged, now I gotta hold in my farts til we get married.

   I am dark and handsome. When it's dark, I'm handsome.

   When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."

   Just an FYI no one wants to date a b1tch even if your good looking.

   Just think, the one for you is walking the earth right now! Probably in a Wall-Mart somewhere!

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   Your life is none of my business, but if it was, I would sell it.

   Live, Laugh, Love. If that doesn't work, Ready, Aim and Fire.

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didnt stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

   I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

   Why are you informing me how many shopping days left until Christmas? I'm not getting anything for you anyway!