Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.

   I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?

   Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Tony Romo is the type of person to make a perfect cake and then drop it on the way to the table....

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   Still haven't taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   without me awesome is only aweso

   thinks: The greatest pleasure in life is "not" doing what people say you can do.I call it the middle finger logic.

   wants to keep hot coffee and doughnuts in her car, so that when a cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I can say, "Yes I do" and hand them to the officer!

   Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

   when I was a YOUNG artist.... my box of CRAYONS would only last ONCE...I would burn and MELT them into ART!

   As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."

   my girlfriend said I could tie her up and do anything I wanted. So I tied her to the bed face down, and went fishing.

   Dear Nike, I did it. Now what happens? Sincerely, Pregnant teen.

   am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.