Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age

   Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

   You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

   This is what happens when you order a president through the mail.

   there sure is going to be a lot of people losing their virginity in the year 2012.

   Have you ever watched birds and wondered: "If I could fly who would I crap on first?"

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   hey hun!!!! The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   I love looking up at a guy when I'm giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.

   was on the street and he saw an ugly pregnant lady, and he just thought, 'Good for you.'

   FACT : sharks will only attack you if you are wet

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   Some people want to wake up rich. Some people want to wake up famous. I just want to wake up and not worry about a damn thing.

   A cop walks up to the car, " you know why I'm standing here?" "Because you got all C's in highschool?"

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father

   Happy 237th birthday America, you have achieved a level of corruption that rivals the crown we freed ourselves from.