Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Odds are there is someone who is your “Facebook Friend” that you absolutely cannot stand and the only reason you keep them on your list is to watch their slow untimely demise.

   used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.

   Cop cars should play the jaws theme song

   They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

   the electronic sign said to call 911 if we see drunk drivers, isnt it against the law to use your phone in the car ?

   'Beautiful women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer'

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.

   Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

   f you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito

   Amy Schneider is a biological male. The swimmer from Penn State is a biological male. They should not be given records that were previously relegated to the ranks of biological females.

   I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.

   I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty good at changing light bulbs.

   I searched on Google: "What do Women want?" Google search results: "We are searching too"

   It's the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!

   Frosted animal crackers, proof that this generation is too fat!

   A life vest - protects you from drowning. A bullet proof vest - protects from bullets. A sweater vest - protects you from dating.

   Hi. I just had a complete makeover. Hair, nails, makeup, boob$ etc. Bought all new clothes to fit my new size 3 figure. All this just so I can attract another a$$hole.

   to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers

   Some people should really consider giving up AIR for Lent... just sayin'

   I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!