Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favourite Celine Dion song is the one where it's muted all the way through.

   Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.

   Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.

   ...... In the end ..... without even a fight .... A once great Nation .... Was gone. History in the making. Vote wisely folks.

   If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?

   Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

   "I'll retire when Whitney Houston stays sober for a year" - Pope Benedict XVI, 2012.

   Tiger Woods is doing so well at the Master's, you might think he was cheating!

   U know some people are like VIRUSES, they ENTER your LIFE, SCAN your POCKETS, TRANSFER your IDEAS, EDIT your MINDE, DOWNLOAD your HEART, and UPLOAD their PROBLEMS

   Trust me, if I want your opinion-I'll remove the f*cking duct tape.

   Man I love watching women's curling in the Olympics. It's the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.

   It scares me that some of you have children.

   I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   WEED IS BAD! We should burn it.

   does this update make my status look fat?

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   : If you have ever seen me drunk, click the 'like' button... 30 or more likes, you have a problem.

   Apparently, Emma Watson is to star in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. If this turns out to be true, by the end of that movie my peni$ will be fifty shades of purple.

   To Sandra Bullock.. Dear "Miss Congeniality", I suggest you come up with a "Proposal" to figure out a good "Time to kill" Jesse James so you won't be "Blindsided" again....