Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   Yes we are facebook friends but I did not see your post because I unfollowed your boring ass. Thanks Facebook for the UNFOLLOW button.

   We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   Let's just call a car what it really is....a mobile phone charger,,,

   Thank you Facebook for options like: Block, Unfollow and Turn of chat for only some friends.

   If you see me at a Baskin Robbins and I have 2 gallons of ice cream in front of me and only 1 spoon... Don't ask me how I'm doing !

   If you are caught speeding in Michigan, the police issue you Detroit Lions tickets.

   Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.

   Hoping that Steve Harvey isn't the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!

   Now he really IS the artist formally known as Prince

   I don't see what the big deal is with the legalization of pot in Washington D.C. is...I always thought those people were smoking something anyway.

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don't want to hear about it.

   putting someones genitals in your mouth is OK, but eating a Dorito off the floor after 2 seconds is gross

   If Spiderman really got bit by an actual spider, how come he don't shoot webs out his butt like a real spider?

   Ripley's Believe It Or Not says it's just a myth that humans only use 10% of their brains. Unless they're Kardashians.