Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looks like we have a 7-year old on the loose today posting all kinds of outdated and b0ring sh!t.

   For christmas I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

   Please do not start naming your future newborn "blue Ivy", yellow mustard, dark orchid, pastel white, purple rain, orange caramel or anything that don't make sense; we already hav ppl named after cars(Mercedes, Infinite, Camry, Alexis).

   Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec

   Drink apple juice... OJ will kill you.

   Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, so I did the twist. They played “Jump”, so I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”… I got kicked out for that one.

   I'm an Arab but NOT "death to America" Arab.

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”

   patiently waiting for the "No-Bra" Ice bucket challenge

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.

   I saw my ex the other day and I'll be straight up honest with ya, YEAH I'd still hit it... with my car.. with my baseball bat.. with my fore arm repeatedly...

   Move over weight watchers, there is a new diet in town it's called I can feed my family cause I just filled my gas tank

   I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.

   available for rebound sex.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.