Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?

   Dear people in the apartment beneath me: banging on your ceiling doesn't make me want to finish any sooner. It actually makes me want to leave the vacuum on indefinitely....and I think I'll go take a shower now, too."

   sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant staring at a pack of dogs.

   Free Snowmen outside.......some assembly required

   You call it Gray Hair...I call it "Stress Highlights".

   the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.

   this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.

   if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity.

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   wonders...If 7-11 is open 24hrs a Day, 365 Days a year......Why are there locks on the door?

   if I stand on my tip-toes, I can see the weekend from here!

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   congratulates Tiger Woods on the 2009 PGA Playa' of the year award.

   They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.

   Hamburger Helper can only help the hamburger that wants help.

   If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal models?