Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   My news feed is starting to look like a battle broke out between the Confederates and a skittles factory.

   I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   83% of GM products manufactured in the last 10 years are still on the road: the other 17% somehow made it home.

   It's a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren't lesbian and dating. Imagine if they broke up.

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   I've masturbated in the shower so much that every time its rains I get a hard-on

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   Ok, I cant take it anymore. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

   Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!

   .the world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.

   Everyone has an ugly friend. If you don't have an ugly friend then, well... this is awkward.

   I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.

   I'll never forget the awesome feeling in kindergarten when I had the largest box of crayons with the sharpener.

   Seriously Justin Bieber clean sweeps the American Awards? I have lost faith in all American voting systems.