Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was anyone really surprised by Ricky Martin's coming out? I mean, it started when he was young...he was in the band Menudo, aka MEN - you - DO...

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   When we were kids, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on our foreheads.

   The most inappropriate time to tell someone they have the "Moves Like Jagger" is during a seizure.

   Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.

   What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?

   I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.

   Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing

   I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and sh1t myself!

   Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.

   wonders who says "open wide" the most, Dentists or Gynaecologists...

   Spelling bee on @espn. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball

   does anyone else think gas stations should throw in a free tube of ky jelly with every fill up?

   I'm having a royal wedding watching party...drinking beer out of tea cups.  Pinkies up....chug chug chug

   Happy Star Wars Day, May the 4th be with you! xx

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties

   I hate you cheetos . You ruined all my good jeans .

   Why is it so hard for to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.