Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not lazy. I just absolutely, passionately, wholeheartedly enjoy doing nothing.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   Your p0sts make me wish I couldn't read.

   The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.

   Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.

   Tell a girl a million times she's not fat, she’ll never believe you. Call her fat once she’ll never forget it. Most untold secrets

   Next years VMA's: someone will actually get pregnant on live TV

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   - My wife got us tickets to The Nutcracker for tomorrow night, so at this point I'm rooting for the Mayans.

   BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.

   Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

   Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn't want to lose friends: I don't work on Mondays.

   Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

   You know what I like most about people? Pets.


   Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.