Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.

   You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.

   So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.

   Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.

   Come a little closer so I can push you away. - Women

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   Really Thailand???? Nobody asked??

   Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.

   I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day.

   Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?

   Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.

   If porn had been free on the internet 20 years ago, I could have out arm wrestled a bear!!

   Solange finally got a hit!!

   I'm gonna ignore you like an I.T. guy.

   I feel so old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90s

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.

   Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   First Principle of good customer service: shut up and concentrate on your work.

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.