Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
←Rate | 03-20-2014 17:12 by K-Mac Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
←Rate | 03-31-2014 10:01 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..
←Rate | 12-29-2013 22:02 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drivers are being told to stay off the roads. Lucky for me, I am in a ditch
←Rate | 01-05-2014 21:54 by Radde Comments (0)  


   messageicon A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
←Rate | 01-24-2014 18:23 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the worst person to have negotiating you down from a ledge would be the members of Van Halen.
←Rate | 07-24-2015 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk
←Rate | 07-28-2015 20:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.
←Rate | 10-28-2015 11:04 by udit Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.
←Rate | 04-06-2012 15:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.
←Rate | 04-12-2012 16:34 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.
←Rate | 04-13-2012 07:15 by Downey Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!
←Rate | 10-18-2011 11:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
←Rate | 11-02-2011 13:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That terrifying moment; when you rub your eyes for too long and you go blind for like 10 seconds.
←Rate | 11-08-2011 16:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"
←Rate | 06-02-2012 21:06 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Early to bed, early to rise, while your girlfriend does other guys.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 19:31 by Jack987 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
←Rate | 07-06-2012 14:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.
←Rate | 02-10-2012 07:05 by XX-FOXY Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
←Rate | 02-10-2012 09:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.
←Rate | 02-17-2012 11:56 Comments (0)  




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