Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1347 of 6446

They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
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03-20-2014 17:12 by K-Mac
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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?
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03-31-2014 10:01 by Baddie
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I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..
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12-29-2013 22:02 by BEGO
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Drivers are being told to stay off the roads. Lucky for me, I am in a ditch
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01-05-2014 21:54 by Radde
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A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
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01-24-2014 18:23 by snotty
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I bet the worst person to have negotiating you down from a ledge would be the members of Van Halen.
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07-24-2015 11:03
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maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk
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07-28-2015 20:30
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Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.
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10-28-2015 11:04 by udit
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I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.
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04-06-2012 15:15
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Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.
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04-12-2012 16:34 by snotty
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I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.
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04-13-2012 07:15 by Downey
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If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
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11-02-2011 13:59
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That terrifying moment; when you rub your eyes for too long and you go blind for like 10 seconds.
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11-08-2011 16:33
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You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

Early to bed, early to rise, while your girlfriend does other guys.
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06-17-2012 19:31 by Jack987
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I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
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07-06-2012 14:20
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If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.
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02-10-2012 07:05 by XX-FOXY
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There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
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02-10-2012 09:56
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Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.
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02-17-2012 11:56
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