Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

   Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..

   Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive women who drink entirely too much and need to be the center of attention at all times..... you are going to like me a lot...

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.

   I hate my ducking iPhone, why the he'll won the son of a botch let me ducking swear? This is passing me off!

   was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.

   It's time we create the true equal society.... It's time we create the United Caucasian College Fund, and the National Association for the Advancement of Caucasians.

   When I jerk off, I hold my pinky out, just in case if someone walks in, I look elegant doing it.

   When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?... When blondes have more fun do they know it? Just a couple of life's riddles that beg for an answer.

   Girls dictionary: No = Yes , Maybe = No , We need = I want , We need to talk = I wanna compalin.

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   And then Jesus said, “when I come back in three days, I better not see any eggs. I don’t care what you do – hide’em, paint’em, just get rid of them.”

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   If I've learned anything from my 7-day Detox, it's that I love toxins.

   f a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper that says "snacks".

   has just realized that if you change the word 'wand' to 'wang' in the Harry Potter books... they suddenly become a lot more amusing.

   Tried to kill a cockroach with Aqua Net and now it smokes two packs a day, joined my bowling league and calls itself Brenda

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn’t.