Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1340 of 6446

This morning I thought I heard a neighbour blasting that new Skrillex song, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck
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05-25-2012 09:48
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From Kim Jong-un's diary: "Friday the 13th, yeah, that will be a good day to test the rocket".
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04-13-2012 13:11 by lkmalee
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Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.
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12-22-2011 10:32
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I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

i was thinkin about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..
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02-17-2012 13:12
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Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
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02-03-2010 19:07
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"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits"
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02-05-2010 12:17 by NYSNOBDRX
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if I throw a stick will you leave
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02-28-2010 16:30 by paddy
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If I had money to blow, I would hire two private investigators to follow each other.
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10-24-2010 14:38
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You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.
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10-24-2010 14:45
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10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.
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10-24-2010 15:02
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Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
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10-29-2010 00:35
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If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
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10-30-2010 16:07 by Hannibal
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I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
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11-08-2010 12:13
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"Thank You" is such an insignificant phrase, yet we put so much into it. When we say "Thank You" to a vet or active duty officer, what comes out is 2 simple words, but what is meant is a world of un-seen gratitude, hope, peace and safety. No, "Thank You"

believes they should change the "maybe" response to event invitations to "yep, unless I get a better offer before then".
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11-23-2010 17:16
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People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

I read where the main Ingredient of Viagra was Miracle Grow and Fit-A-Flat....
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08-26-2010 11:43 by RLL
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sometimes You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
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09-14-2010 22:46
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This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(
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09-24-2010 02:23
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