Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ?The next time someone asks me what I'm doing, I'm gonna reply "I'm breathing 2 stay alive how about you"?

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   I hate when reality happens outside of my head.

   When someone says they are gonna break their foot off in your ass, it means that they hate you but they hate their own foot even more.

   my girlfriend is such a prude she doesn't even like 3 way calling

   This empty wallet looks like I'll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy's awful jokes in a bar tonight.

   So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.

   Cant wait to see the new Terminator movie ..Rage Against The Vending Machine

   Hash tagging more than a few times in a post is like wearing Ed Hardy.

   In reality all girls are crazy so you better just pick your favorite type.

   People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.

   *wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone?

   All I want for Christmas is NO MORE GAME REQUESTS!!! Thank you!!

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?

   My safe word is letsgetmarried.

   Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy

   Disney will install warning signs to prevent future alligator attacks but sadly most alligators are illiterate.