Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Facebook isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it

   If no one likes you, you want to re-evaluate yourself because not everyone can be the problem

   i gotta stop playing call of duty black ops, I swear today at work I thought I could upgrade my staple gun..

   Bella: your pale white and ice cold. You don't eat anything, and I can't find you when the sun's out. I know what you are. Edward: Say it. Say it out-loud. Bella: A...snowman.

   LIFE IS SHORT... PLAY NAKED

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   if court experience is a must for Obama's Supreme Court selection... I say go with Charlie Sheen

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   changed his/her relationship status to "None of you damn business"

   decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.