Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money
←Rate | 03-05-2014 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
←Rate | 03-06-2014 13:21 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  


   messageicon "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.
←Rate | 04-03-2014 17:22 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not antisocial. I'm pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
←Rate | 04-13-2014 13:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
←Rate | 04-25-2014 06:09 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.
←Rate | 05-02-2014 08:57 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?
←Rate | 05-30-2015 13:39 by Gil Comments (0)  


   messageicon How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?
←Rate | 06-19-2015 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
←Rate | 06-28-2015 16:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch
←Rate | 07-12-2015 20:51 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:29 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?
←Rate | 09-24-2015 10:49 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 12:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.
←Rate | 12-06-2015 18:41 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5
←Rate | 09-24-2013 21:10 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't get it with these weight loss pills that say "along with diet and exercise" they can help you lose weight. Come on. The whole point of taking a weight loss pill should be so I don't have to diet and exercise.
←Rate | 09-27-2013 12:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've lost love, money, and my mind on occasion, I don't care. But It would kill me if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.
←Rate | 09-28-2013 06:17 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death.
←Rate | 09-28-2013 15:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.
←Rate | 10-30-2013 06:08 by Jiffy Pop Comments (0)  


   messageicon For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 21:50 Comments (1)  




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