Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1323 of 6446

I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."
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05-17-2015 10:45
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Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money
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03-05-2014 09:20
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Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

"My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.
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04-03-2014 17:22 by snotty
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I'm not antisocial. I'm pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
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04-13-2014 13:31
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My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
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04-25-2014 06:09 by Baddie
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Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.
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05-02-2014 08:57 by Czovczov
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It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?
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05-30-2015 13:39 by Gil
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How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?
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06-19-2015 14:27
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My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
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06-28-2015 16:31
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I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch
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07-12-2015 20:51 by snotty
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How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?
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08-14-2015 15:29 by eengrms
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We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.
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11-29-2015 12:41
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Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.
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12-06-2015 18:41 by snotty
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"Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5
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09-24-2013 21:10 by Aaron
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I don't get it with these weight loss pills that say "along with diet and exercise" they can help you lose weight. Come on. The whole point of taking a weight loss pill should be so I don't have to diet and exercise.
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09-27-2013 12:53
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I've lost love, money, and my mind on occasion, I don't care. But It would kill me if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.
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09-28-2013 06:17
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Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death.
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09-28-2013 15:11
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Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.
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10-30-2013 06:08 by Jiffy Pop
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