Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if it weren't for the presents and money think about how terrifying it would be to our children that a fat man, a fairy and a giant rabbit break into their houses every year...

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   will wait for Apple to unveil the more powerful version: the maxiPad.

   "Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?" --- Charles Barkley

   would never hit an elderly person... but old man winter is really pushing his luck!

   going to watch earth hour on T.V

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to post about my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up condoms for my date with whats her name..........

   Post this if you know (or are related to) someone who suffers from stupidity. Stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for stupidity but we can raise awareness. 93% won't post this because they won't know how.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   I'm not afraid of heights, swimming, or love... Just falling, drowning, and rejection...

   heard about the new miracle diet? Its called "The Garlic Diet", where you eat nothing but garlic, and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

   going to buy a boat some day and name it "Cirrhosis of the River"

   knows one thing about the speed of light...it gets here way too early in the morning.

   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

   Gentlemen prefer blondes, but it takes a real man to handle a redhead

   If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either!

   (Insert insignificant nonsense that nobody else cares about here)

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   ..wonders what would happen if she DIDN'T place the microwave popcorn This Side Up..hmmm