Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single sucks.....especially when all 3 of your roommates date moaners...

   You are more confused than a male lady bug

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   Girls just want to have funds.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in again.

   Black Friday...the day when normal people turn into zombies armed with shopping carts.

   It's a facebook status, not an opportunity to spill your whole life story and look for everybody's pity

   Ladies: Don't over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book

   If you get offended easily, I suggest you avoid me like a redneck relative.

   id much rather have morning wood than morning sickness

   Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.

   Dear Wal-Mart! After 8 p.m. Please QUIT PUTTING the SLOWEST,OLDEST people behind the Speedy Check Out!

   In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

   it just me or do women's sunglasses get bigger and bigger and bigger?!? Relax with those things, eventually we have to see your face with your colored contacts and fake eye lashes.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

   Consider the social cohesion and dignity of the Japanese people in the face of unimaginable catastrophe. Contrast that with the behavior of Americans when faced with Black Friday.

   After seeing all the gang signs at the park idk which one I want to join :-P