Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.

   "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

   Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

   I tried killing a loose bat in the garage with an empty paper towel tube. After a few weak whacks,,, we both laughed & shared a fruit roll-up

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid

   Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

   Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   f by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.