Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

   Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   If you find a female driver who checks her side-view mirrors, marry her.

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…

   MARRIAGE; Because your suffering doesn't have to end at work!

   seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...

   Beer is good, but beers are better.

   Notice at Church: Don't leave ur mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

   I tried killing a loose bat in the garage with an empty paper towel tube. After a few weak whacks,,, we both laughed & shared a fruit roll-up