Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry

   Travel Tip: When passing through a bad part of town, and the locals ask what hood you represent, it's probably not a good idea to yell out "FARMVILLE BIIAAATCH," and then start "crop" walkin' to your car.

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...

   just changed my profile date of birth and was really loving all the attention until my mom wished me a Happy Birthday. My own mother didn't even know my real birthday is not until April.

   I am afraid that the only way to motivate me to do something, is to absolutely forbid me from doing whatever it is you wish to have done. I refer to this as the big red shiny button theorem.

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

   loves giving home made gifts... so which one of the kids you want?

   "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."

   Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   Animal planet really makes it hard for me to enjoy The Lion King. =(

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

   Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.

   if it stays dark for too long, Ray Lewis might stab someone

   Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!

   ■Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.