Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don't see psychics winning the lottery every week.

   Not only am I a master of suspense but I

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!

   you know your fat when, you order Taco Bell and you still have ice in you're McDonald's cup.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

   Internal Revenge Service

   I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.

   I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

   I would punch you straight in the face but my hand would get covered in the $hit you talk.

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox.

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   I'm not saying she's a hoe.. All I'm saying is she's been on more wieners than Heinz Ketchup

   What do you do if you see your crazy Ex, running around in your front yard covered in blood & screaming for help? Stay calm,reload your pistol & aim better!!

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt?....You're wondering now!!

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   Gathering Birds to throw at you!

   Costco: Go hungry leave happy