Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin

   life is now back on track... unfortunately for me that track is downhill... and there's me with no steering or brakes...

   was told that if I have to ask how much something costs, I probably can't afford it. She was right so I moved along.

   wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.

   If a zombie apocalypse ever really happened, I imagine it would look something like the grocery aisles at Walmart around 4pm.

   The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

   I'm Thankful you all are neglecting your families to keep me entertained here!

   When it comes to bacon, I have as much self control as a kitten faced with a large ball of string...

   Happy Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.) Everyone!

   If only plastic surgeons also sold class.

   This has been the weirdest Oscars Awards show ever! Harry Potter was dancing. Bellatrix was singing. And Lucias Malfoy got an award

   I'm already sorry for what I'm going to do this weekend.

   Im not dead I'm just resting my eyes in this shallow ditch.

   You can have anything you want, if you lower your expectations enough.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   anyone who says "I hate to break it to you", can't f#$^ing wait to break it to you.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."

   Need to stop drinking this....its like 50 million Beyonces on the stage all of a sudden......

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   If being supportive means to stand there and pretend to listen. Then, yes I am extremely supportive.