Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.

   Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.

   Cocaine so white it's head of the NAACP.

   I am hoping that legalizing gay marriage will increase the chances of a hot lesbian couple moving in next door.

   If hJared Fogle goes to jail for this, he can expect a footlong of a different variety.

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   My dentist said I grind at night. I said, I think the kids call it twerking now.

   If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   I parked next to a Prius today.... well, on top of one, but same thing.

   Everyone is watching the fight tonight, and I'm over here loading Rocky into the DVD player a $100 richer #winning

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me