Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Housekeepers at the White House looking at all the puddles on the floor, and as expected, they are following the path taken by Biden.

   It would be pretty cool if, on her last show, Oprah ripped off a mask and it was Michael Jackson.

   for my next magic trick, I need a condom and a volunteer.

   every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten..

   America... the only country in the world where not buckling your child in a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty than murdering your child.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f-kin mind games?!

   “Buy a man eat fish, the day, teach man, to life time.” ~ Joe Biden

   Prince William revealed today that he changed his first diaper. Unfortunately, it was Queen Elizabeth’s.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !

   If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

   There is no I in UGLY but there is a U!

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   She's not a slut, she's just been on more wieners than Heinz ketchup

   My flood preparations go to bed in my swim trunks and tape my cellphone to the ceiling.

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.