Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont be disappointed if ppl refuse to help you.... remember the words of Einstein.... "Im thankful for those who said "NO" because of them I did it myself!" ツ ♡

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   My neighbors parked to close to my car again. And hey look at that, Somebody keyed their car again.

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.

   What Woodstock 1969 tought us is that life isn`t about waiting for the storm to pass, it`s about learning to dance in the rain...

   Funny how some women will spend over a hundred dollars for products to clean their face, yet purchase the cheapest toilette paper to clean their A$$.

   Snooki pregnant? The world rejoices! Except for the 73 men who are doing some hardcore math.

   He's been marinating in honey for years. Don't tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn't be tasty.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.

   Wouldn't the halftime show have been better if the sharks had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."

   Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.

   Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.