Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

   If I've learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven't figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.

   I never understood why they call them "Smart Cars"...Anyone willing to drive a padded shopping cart on the freeway in a Fisher Price toy doesn't meet my criteria of "smart".

   The iPad 3 can s@ck my d!ck! No, really, they just announced that as a feature!

   Idk what it is about this morning but I'm feeling really homy... Did you read that wrong too?

   What occupies the last 6 pages of the Chrysler Car User's Manual? The bus and train schedules....

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   My youngest turns 13 in a couple of weeks, which means I'll have three teenagers in the house. I can only assume that qualifies me for some sort of federal disaster relief funding.

   dude your eyes are red are you stoned? no it's my allergies. what are you allergic to? Weed.

   Happy 13th Birthday Google... I hope you find what you've been searching for ; )

   They say you are what you eat but I don't remember eating a sexy beast.

   It's funny how Lady Gaga can pull off a man better than a woman.

   "Weed is illegal" - "Yeah, so is half the music on your ipod."

   Your mother sat on my glasses and broke them, I guess it's partially my fault, I should of took them off my face first.

   I'm ecstatic about this radioactive wind, this is my closest chance to get those superpowers I always wanted. Thanks japan!

   The U.S. is ready to launch a strike on Syria to help restore peace in the country. You know, like they did with Iraq and Libya.

   My favourite "The Addams Family" character is probably Lady Gaga.