Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

   Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

   That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.

   it weird that I'm 37 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and possibly one cat?

   I got this new device to help me stop smoking. It's a lighter that won't f*ckin work

   Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.

   Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while you are waiting.

   I don't get why people pay $400 a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

   Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice.We man just pee on the poop stains as hard as we can..

   Biggest slut alive? Ms pacman. For a quarter she will swallow balls until she dies.

   : Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I've got five fingers, the middle one's for you.

   have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

   I like It when you smile...................... But I Love It When I'm The Reason.

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   I hate the way cats stare like they got something on you.

   Women are SO lucky! They get fat, they get big boobs, we get fat, our wiener just looks small.

   Wondering If I can get a clock that tells woman time. You know, "be back in a minute"=1-2hours. " be right there"=anywhere between 25 to 45 minutes. and of course the imfamous, "Lets just stop by and say hi."= 6hours plus. And last but not least, "just

   I am starting my diet and exercise program next Monday – I am tired of looking like I ATE four children instead of like I HAVE four children…

   No, No Darling , you 're not promiscuous , you're just a slut