Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a professional athlete wants more $ because they out play their contract then they should get less $ when they under play their contract.

   I'm trying to solve a murder mystery, but the only clue is a broken calculator found at the crime scene . . . Something doesn't add up.

   if the grass seems greener on the other side, it just means someone is using better manure

   The only person I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday.

   Looks like Jay-Z finally found that 100th problem.

   Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman

   Ah, Sarcasm. What would I ever do without you?

   when contemplating a murder-suicide, always kill yourself first

   nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.

   I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost outta beer.

   When I got Internet, I started watching T.V. less and less.

   I heard that old Paris Hilton song "Stars are blind" today. Still stinks! Listening to that song is probily more painful than getting a prostate exam from Freddy Kruger!

   Here's something that could revolutionize St. Patrick's Day -- green Pepto-Bismol.

   Irish I was drunk right now..

   Tonights Forecast in Libya: A beautiful full blue moon followed by a sky filled with long range missiles and a great air show.

   God created stupid people to keep us smart ones amused.

   nothing makes you feel old like that girl your co-workers are ogling at was born when you graduated HS, and her mom babysat you as a kid!

   Dear Governments, when people lose everything they have then they have nothing to lose.. thats how they LOSE IT!

   Mubarak is like one of those guys at the end of the party. However many hints you give him, he just won't leave.....

   Grammar are our friend.