Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   You know you have a good plate of nachos when you rotate the plate a few times and still can't figure out where to start eating them from

   Does karma have a silent observers hot line or something? I'd like to speed up the process for a few people!

   12 miles on the treadmill in 68 minutes! ..... tomorrow, I might actually get on it.

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.

   Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor

   Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yeah right. Holla at me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   Studies show that children who are better liars tend to become more successful as adults.

   You know how when a musician dies radio stations play his songs back to back all day? Here’s to praying Lil Wayne lives forever.

   Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.

   I really wouldn't be worried about Hurricane Jose, there's no way Trump will let him into the country....

   Obey the law! Unless you support who I support, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Tremendous hypocrisy!

   I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.

   You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least Crappy option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden.

   I love how bouillon cubes come in bright shiney yellow (chicken flavored) and red (Beef flavored) packages, I am set for halloween trickery.