Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need some time alone....Gonna go sign in to Myspace

   In an emergency, I`d probably write a status about it before calling the police

   If the government fails to raise the debt ceiling and stops paying their bills, I will stop paying mine, fair is fair

   Can we put a door in the wall so I can still get my yard mowed?

   The best part of this Presidential Alert is... Hillary got one too!!

   ... Turns out that FBI Director James Comey absolutely wanted to recommend the Indictment of Hillary Clinton. But found out that if he did ...... he might end up committing Suicide!

   thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year

   Yes I admit, I pee in the shower. There is a drain and running water. Why not?

   What All Fortune Cookies Should Say: You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.

   I like going to mcdonalds and ordering a egg mcmuffin and a mcchicken just to see what comes first.

   If I wanted a job where I got screwed every day, I would have became a prostitute.

   Did we try giving the government a snickers?

   Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   Multiply that by infinity & take it 2 the depths of forever & then you will have some vague idea what I'm talkin about...

   Today, I went to the movies. When I got out, I saw that someone hit my car but were nice enough to leave a note. It said, "Ouch - that's going to cost you some money." They signed it with a happy face sticking out its tongue

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won't do as she is told.

   An autopsy report reviled that marijuana was found in Trayvon's blood system... Now I'm really pissed!  Zimmerman making Travon smoke weed before shooting him? That's just wrong!

   I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f$$ing hit it.

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, Because theres no place like home.