Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"

   That uneasy moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do with your life any more.

   If you don't discipline your child, life will.

   They say Time is the best healer- That's why they make you sit and wait for so long in a doctor's office !

   My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: "May divorce be with you."

   If god did not want us to eat animals he would not have made them out of meat!

   I am not saying I hate you or anything but if you were ever badly hurt and I had the only phone to call you an ambulance I would order pizza delivery first.

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted

   Lesbians are just guys I am not allowed to punch.

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   Stop acknowledging the retard's presence. Ignore his existence.

   My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bull$hit. It’s our sixth season together.

   I was so ugly as a child that the local pedophile used to eat his own candy.

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   This pen I stole from the bank is off the chain

   Back in my day we also drank underage, we just weren't stupid enough to take photos of our illegal actions and then display them for all to see..

   You can lead a horse to water but I'd rather ride it to the liquor store.

   You can’t ignore the facts; if you’ve posted more than 4 selfies in the last month, you are a narcissist.