Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

   My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

   As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.

   Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

   My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

   Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

   App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

   The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

   You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

   Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

   Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

   Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".