Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing that could make a Cowboys fan feel better tonight is watching the Jets and being thankful that you aren't a fan of those underachievers.....

   Every year my calendar ends on December 31st and I buy a new one, today i've concluded the Mayans were too lazy to make a new one.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   Whenever I am feeling down I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I do not have an outie bellybutton.

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes

   Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson just had a baby girl and did not name her 'Pebble.'

   Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz.