Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   Starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy but" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence.

   A note of fact- Under Armor is an clothing designed with exercise in mind. It is not intended to be a girdle.

   50% single...

   no more Farmville, Cafeworld or Sorority Life! I will cage your animals, spray your crops, burn your cafe and pimp your sorority girl!!!

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Christmas toys & their parents are BOTH broke..

   Snowman hunting is good training for the zombie apocalypse.

   If I ever kick the bucket, can I get one of you to wipe out my computer and empty the top drawer next to my bed?

   Hey punk with the old run-down beefed up car with the spoiler that's WAY too big....when you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop light, don't be surprised when I make you work for it....

   Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."

   A statement on the entrance to a graveyard: This place is full of people who thought that the world can't do without them.

   It should no longer be cranberry sauce, it is cranberry jell-o... Sauce does not retain the shape of the can

   Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.

   They said not to sniff markers, but then they made scented ones...

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   not bitter. I'm just unsweetened...

   loves the smell of a home-cooked breakfast...mmmm bacon...now how do I get that smell in my house?

   if you take a shot and yell "cinco de mayo!" its a celebration. If you take a shot and yell "Wednesday!" its an intervention