Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.

   Wikileaks should be ashamed of itself for illegally releasing Hillary's illegal activities.

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal

   The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   Those mattress commercials with the people fake sleeping without covers would be more believable with a lonely housewife getting jack hammered by the pool boy.

   If you hand me a business card while I'm eating, there's a high probability I'll use it as a toothpick...I'm as classy as they come fellas.

   I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   So when do we invade Chechnya?

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   This just in...Kate Middleton has boobs; just like every other woman in the world. More details at 11...

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.