Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna ride a two person bike around campus by myself until I make a friend.

   Stop crying. You asked what I thought of your haircut and "macho" is a compliment where I come from, lady...

   Facebook Introduces New Oil Drilling Game, Spillville

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.

   Just witnessed a man purchasing Tampax at Walgreens. This man deserves bonus points!!

   Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all.

   Dear Yahoo, Ive never heard someone say "i dunno lets 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.

   I just saw a commercial where every line at Walmart was staffed with a cashier. It's amazing what fantasy you can create on television!

   Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.

   can't understand you.... I don't speak fluent bullsh!t

   I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)

   I wanted to smoke weed with this cute Mexican girl I work with today. But when I asked her if she had papers, she took off sprinting.

   Do some people just wake up one day and think, "I already have 2 bumper stickers, why not 70?"

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   One poll out this morning declares Bidens Dentist was the winner in last nights debate

   Most people are going to hell, no doubt...but some of you will be used as firewood.