Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if when French people swear, do they say excuse my English

   today is an EPIC DAY: At the end of "Back to the Future", Doc sets the Delorian to go 25 years into the future. That date is today... July 5th, 2010.

   can't wait til menopause do us part...

   This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

   come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.

   I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.

   If you only remember one thing today, remember this.

   Just woke up from a colonoscopy with my smock on backwards, Barry White music playing in the background and my doctor with his feet kicked up smoking a cigarette and told me everything went just fine…

   tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!

   Have you crapped so violently that you back cracks and your legs spasms? Ohh, yeah me either...

   Oh! So you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar!

   has just realised that I've been walking round the office with my flies un-done - that would now explain the 38 female friend requests then

   At my last job, I mixed concrete with a pitchfork.. Under job title on this application should I put ,,Mortar forker?

   when I hear a person say "My Mom didn't raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"

   Two chinese people had an albino baby last week. Turns out two Wongs do make a white.

   Experts say FREQUENT sex can reduce the chances of men developing prostate cancer. Ladies do your part in the fight against cancer.

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Adam and Eve had an ideal relationship. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.