Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly .

   It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.

   We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.

   You might be a redneck if ya get divorced, re married and still have the same "in law's"

   The Kids nowadays play around so young they're making Birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone.

   having an anti-valentines day party

   Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

   MEN are like BLUETOOTH. When they are with You, they are connected. When they are not with you, they are searching for other devices to connect to.

   I have learned "Limited Edition" means piece of crap that is going to be replaced with a better version in the near future.

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty

   Mom: I found this condom while I was cleaning your room. Are you sexually active? Girl: No. I just lay there.

   You realize like, billions of women have done the same damn thing right?

   In group discussions, chicks with big boobs always seem to say the right things.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?

   I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

   The problem with some people is that they’re alive.

   Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.

   SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild........

   She is so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isnt a judgemental cu$t like you..

   Holy shi t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?