Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brett Favre just sent me an inappropriate text message....I guess it's not that big a deal...I'll just wait two years before I tell anybody... Yea...

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.

   got kicked out of a shop.....it said "wet floor"on the sign...so I did....

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   Shaquille O' Neal in green? Anyone else thinking Shrek?

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   Facebook is the ultimate weapon of couples' distraction and relationships' destruction

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for.

   I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.

   This just enforces the belief that people with mullets should not be raising children.

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.