Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

   Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   liked to climb trees as a kid....until I fell and broke all the Christmas presents.

   I used to be confused but now I just don't know

   I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.

   I know I'm drunk when it takes me longer than three seconds to figure out what's happening when I walk through a fan blowing air at me

   likes to believe the spell czech on my computer has never failed me.

   hates being asked if I've had any "past experience." Is there any other kind?

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   I don't need a relationship. What I need...is a friendship that will make it easy to lead into one.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for.

   I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.