Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.

   I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.

   We had a war on drugs, there were more drugs, war on terror and more terrorist, so for 2014 we need to have a war on money and jobs, it can't hurt!

   I wonder if Kanye is just over compensating for the fact his mom misspelled "Kenya."

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness

   I think you know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

   My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.

   Procrastination comes to those who wait

   Donald Sterling said to be confused as to why Jameis Winston would steal crab legs and not fried chicken.

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

   Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   The Status here are dying. We need new blood.

   Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.

   The razor selections are starting to get scary. How many do they think they can add? I bet in 5 years there will be a Gillette Guillotine, one swipe and that's all...

   Do you think the employee dicount at a Dollar General Store is,"Here, just Take it."?