Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my middle fingers have had too much caffeine… they have been up all Morning

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.

   I don't always eat cookies....but when I do, it's in a horrifically violent manner. - Cookie Monster

   She said "Every Kiss begins with K", I said "To bad Ugly begins with U"

   FACT: Couples who don't have a TV in their bedroom have 50 percent more sex.

   Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.

   I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.

   am sorry boss, I know I said I'd do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee!

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex!

   I heard the new Kim Khadarshian documentary shows full frontal stupidity.

   Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.

   Some damn people would not be born if alcohol was never invented.

   Girls can't teabag... it's called teacupping.

   Seeing yet another deer crash into a car reminds me that one of us needs to tell all deer that it's time to stop texting.

   Drinking alone: The combination of my two favorite things.

   greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!

   difficulty trusting someone with colored contacts...they have already lied to me once.

   Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.