Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!

   Some females have more drama than a van full of drag queens on their way to a wig sale.

   Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'.

   I miss the days when $20 was enough to fill the tank....and pay for the hooker...

   Men Fart more Than Women Simply Becasue Women Can't Shut Up Long Enough To Build Up The Required Pressure !!!

   What is it about warm weather that compels people to blast really loud, annoying bass lines out of their car stereos? You can't even hear what song they're playing except for, "DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE! DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE!"

   Just think how interesting facebook would be if there was a "cheating on spouse with _______" relationship status

   100% of my regrets will be when my friends find out exactly where I've been stealing 100% of my statuses. #Faaak!

   love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.

   If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.

   Thinks that if someone says plz because it's shorter than please, you should say no because it's shorter than yes.

   When I die...the one thing I hope God says to me when I get to heaven......"Don't worry.....she's not coming".

   What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.

   Be careful when getting on Facebook! Side effects may include; mood swings, constant crying, finding love, tired fingers, loss of friends, divorce, it's complicated, loss of time, starving family, dirty home, and too much drama!!!

   My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

   ...International Women's Day...Cause it's not like you want attention on any other day...

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup

   one of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.